A Legendary Power Struggle about a Candle… and a Fine Mind in the Making

 

Years ago, my daughter Jennie & I had the opportunity to babysit with my niece, Isabelle, then 18 months old. We had a lovely afternoon and evening, and bedtime was approaching. As we readied the bath, I lit a candle to soothe the bathroom environment, encouraging her to slide into peaceful slumber.

Izzy saw the candle in the semi-darkened room and immediately said, “I want to touch it!” Such eagerness on her face, such delight in seeing something new!

“Oh no”, I said, “it’s Hot!”

“Want to touch it!” Again, said with such curiosity…

“I can’t let you touch it, Izzy. It’s hot.”

She looked at me curiously. “WANT TO TOUCH IT!” “WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!”

We tried distracting her with toys. “WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!”

We tried redirecting her with bedtime songs. “WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!”

We tried bubbles. “WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!”

We tried smelling the candle. “WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!”

By now Isabelle was beginning to sob. Intensely.  “WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!

In previous generations, you can imagine the way such behavior may have been viewed. The labels that adults may have attached to such behavior. Bratty. Demanding. Spoiled. Misbehaving. Manipulative. Wild. Out of Control.

But with the explosion of brain research, much of which has centered on the youngest learners from birth to age 2 years, a revolution has changed the way such behavior is seen and described today.

What we used to call Misbehavior, we now know is really just:

• unbridled curiosity, brain – based curiosity, a need that must be resolved
• persistence, sometimes incredible persistence!
• assertiveness skills, raw but en route
• fierce Independence
• having a new mind, and speaking it. This speaking skill may be raw, but it is essential to becoming a successful adult to learn the skills to speak your own mind..
• sharing their thoughts on a subject
• believing in something & standing their ground
• learning in action
• confidence

Had this happened with my own kids, I would have let them touch that damn candle much sooner! But this was Iz, an in vitro wonder baby. How could I willingly let her burn her finger?

“I think it will be hot, Izzy. It will hurt.”

“WANT TO TOUCH IT, NOW!”

At last, sobbing and reaching out tenaciously, Iz did touch the candle. She jerked her finger back quickly, “IT’S HOT!!!!!” The crying continued, of course. We got ice so she could put it on her own finger. She kissed it numerous times. She went to bed with deep shuddering sobs.

When my brother came to pick her up after the UT game, she burst into tears, recounting the entire learning curve.

Would I ever get to see her again?

Later that week I called to see how she was, and if the blister had healed. Her mom recounted with glee that thanks to Izzy, everyone in town knew that stoves were HOT, fireplaces were HOT, candles were HOT! She had applied her newfound knowledge, and shared it with everyone she encountered. Think how many she saved from certain death by HOT!

Many times, parents may feel that curiosity – based behaviors are embarrassing, especially when done at the grocery store or church or anywhere out in the world. They may worry that others may look at them as wishy washy parents, parents that give in, ineffective parents…..

It is often humbling to behold a mind in the making, especially when it initially just looks like a toddler’s tantrum. So often, the best teachable moments are disguised as what used to be thought of as willful and naughty. But parents can look deeper, look down the road to decide what skills you want to create with your kids, and what life skills those raw, unappealing behaviors can become!

So, fast forward 20 years, and take a look at Izzy now. She was offered a scholarship to the UT Women’s soccer team, while still a junior in high school. Her senior year at UT, Iz served her team as soccer team captain. She graduated with a 3.98 GPA with a major in finance, even with all of the time spent in travel to games and required training. She wore a miner’s lamp on her forehead, so she could study at night, while on the bus going to games! She was hired by an international company before she even graduated from UT. She now lives in San Francisco and gets to travel the world as she works. And she is a lovely human being as well!

Those traits and behaviors we saw with the candle? I guess they served her well as she grew up. Incredibly curious, persistent, tenacious, assertive, fiercely independent, beliefs in something beyond herself, confidence to speak her mind…yep, those early behaviors turned into incredibly useful life skills.

With the help of her parents, who patiently molded those raw behaviors by teaching her values and manners and the value of hard work, to listen to her own needs as well as the needs of others, and who let her do hard things and fail briefly, so she could learn from her mistakes.

Izzy helped too, of course, and thru her efforts, her skills became so polished and shiny and effective. She once told me that as she joined the team her freshman year, her coach had designed a training course including running stadium stands in the August heat. When Iz finished the course, she couldn’t even feel her feet. “Why,” I asked, a little outraged, “would your coach ask you to do such a difficult course in the100 degree heat?” “By finishing that course,” Iz told me, smiling, “the team knew they can count on me,”

The world can count on Izzy now. Strong is the new pretty. Well done!